


but your scars are healing wrong

by mysilenceknot



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Misgendering, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2255001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysilenceknot/pseuds/mysilenceknot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Barnes and Bucky Barnes and the Winter Solider are dead.<br/>They are none of these people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but your scars are healing wrong

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by a conversation I had with a friend about the fact that trauma changes a person and that who James Barnes was before the war will never be who James Barnes is after Hydra falls. warnings for casual cissexism/misgendering, references to torture, and mental illness (suicidal thoughts, night terrors, implied self-harm, general symptoms of PTSD including psychosis). title comes from the song [One More Time With Feeling](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srL9vJ_O8eI) by Regina Spektor.

All of their medical records contain worthless information about James Barnes. He was born on a certain day in a certain year in a certain town in a certain state. He was drafted into the second world war and underwent medical experiments after the troop he was part of was captured by Hydra. He was saved and lost by Captain America. Along with the general trauma caused by war, the torture and dehumanization resulted in dozens of mental disorders with long names and complicated treatment options. Replacing his metal arm was a subject of debate for a variety of reasons; the main ones were related to how it was perfectly integrated into his nervous system it had become. It was uncertain and unlikely that James Barnes would recover fully from the damage done to him.

It’s pointless to give diagnoses about James Barnes, but they don’t tell the doctors that. Maybe James Barnes trusted doctors, but they never will and they really don’t need to give doctors more ammunition to assign more words and medications to those useless records. James Barnes died during the war in a Hydra laboratory. They are not dead. 

They are not James Barnes.

Bucky Barnes is the second most referenced person in popular media about Captain America, right after Peggy Carter. He was charming, charismatic, confident. He liked the sciences and felt that it was his personal responsibility to protect Steve Rogers. He was Steve Rogers' best friend and ultimately the catalyst to Captain America becoming more than just a morale booster.

When they’re moved into Steve’s care the doctors tell Steve that “James” needs to be called by name to ground him. It takes three days for them to be able to tell Steve not to call them that anymore. For a long time they knew themself as only the Asset and the Winter Soldier. It takes longer than they feel like it should to realize that they are being talked to when someone calls out a different name, even though no one says anything about the seconds of silence before they respond. 

Telling Natasha that Bucky Barnes was dead was an accident. She doesn’t judge, doesn’t insist that they are Bucky, that Bucky’s somewhere in there still. They don’t think that Steve would have judged either but Natasha feels safer somehow and it’s easy to let their guards down around her. Natasha asks what they’d like to be called. They don’t know yet. It’s been months since they’ve moved in but it takes only three days after talking to Natasha for them to be able to tell Steve to call them Doe. It’s not their real name, but it’s less stifling than anything else they can remember being called. When Sam comes over later that evening they introduce themself with their placeholder name. Bucky Barnes died in an icy chamber long after he fell from the sky. They are not dead.

They are not Bucky Barnes.

Sometimes the nightmares are a twisted comfort because if they can dream, they can think. The Winter Soldier was not allowed to think, following orders and making calculations but not sparing time on thoughts. Thoughts led to hot shocks and icy darkness, darkness void of sound, movement, dreams. Nightmares cause them to move, to scream, to see inescapable horrors played out endlessly. It took months for them to be able to cry and months more for the tears to stop coming after a dream. Night terrors, however, cannot be considered a comfort because they know what fear felt like even before Hydra fell. Fear of pain and cold and darkness became useless in time because all their fears were inevitable. They know it’s useless now to be terrified while in bed with people who care deeply about them, but that doesn’t stop the rushes of anxiety from disturbing their rest.

They no longer wake up in cold discomfort, no longer are jarred to awareness by shocks and slaps and suffering. Even when the others are on mission they wake up to warmth and safety. Days that they sleep through the night are incredibly rare, but possible. Sometimes they’re the one to pull the others out of nightmares, bringing them back to reality with words or touches. Other times they wake up being held – never around the wrists – and they relax in the solidity of another person. 

Sometimes they’re not sure if what comes at night is fiction or reality. The others occasionally can give input if asked and are much better than the therapists are at helping them unwind memories from delusions. Few of the memories are nice, but that’s okay. The Winter Soldier died remembering who Steve Rogers was. They are not dead.

They are not the Winter Soldier. 

They don’t know who they are all the time. They’re not even sure if they always exist. Sometimes they watch their body move and breathe and interact with the world while they float above it all, other times they have to find Steve or Sam or Natasha to remind them that this isn’t going to end in extraction, debriefing, and ice. Existing is hard, but they’ve found ways to know they are still here that don’t involve pain. They don’t always want to exist and they now they’re not alone in that, even though the others have different reasons for wanting to escape. 

They don’t know what exactly their name is or what exactly their gender is but they know they are not male and they will never again carry a dead man’s name. They are not dead.

They are alive.

**Author's Note:**

> I have more that I want to write about recreating identity after trauma, but this can stand alone until then. if you have any concerns, I'm lemonyandbeatrice on Tumblr.


End file.
